When i was pregnant with my first more than 2 years back, i received all kinds of advice on what to eat, drink, walk, talk, read, watch, think, say. Because apparently everything you do once you are pregnant, affects the baby. And everyone prepared me for the big day- the delivery! It felt like the most life changing event that was going to happen ...and even after you ask a million questions, you still are unprepared, anxious and nervous.
Now i see people around me pregnant with their first and feeling the same things and there is only one thing that i want to tell them. It is going to be the most life changing event for you. But not the delivery- it is when motherhood will strike. I tell friends all the time that delivering a baby is a finite process. It gets over. Parenting never does. You will (mostly and hopefully!) be a parent till you die. And as soon as you feel you have got a hang of it, the kids roll a new ball. I wish someone had told me this before i embarked on this journey.
You have a child on Day 1 in your arms but you become a mother much later.
There is a belief that you should have kids at the right time and late 20s is the best. Now i agree! Only because the more you have lived your life independently, the tougher it is to adjust to a crying, attention seeking, totally dependent infant in your home. Most of us have a career, live independently, throw on a pair of jeans and walk into a movie theatre to watch a movie, sleep when we want and order a pizza every weekend without worrying about finances. Sick days are when you can snuggle in with a bowl of soup and watch TV the whole day. And then when your body has been through the toughest phase of having the baby, you are thrust with this baby in your hand, whom you have no idea what to do with, and plus you have no time to focus on your recovery. Everyone around you goes ga-ga over the baby (they are really cute! but you are too tired to notice) and you are not allowed to think of yourself. "Oh God! You are a mom now. You need to be responsible". But you are not there yet. You are still to fall in love with your baby. To all those moms i will say, take a deep breathe and have faith in yourself. I read somewhere that babies are reselient enough to survive first time parents. And i could not agree more. You will know that you are doing the right thing, when you see that it is working.
You will never get your old life back, and after a point you will not want it back as much
I used to dream about a vacation in Bali a few years back. On the beach, reading a book cover to cover and ordering my favorite food. Now my idea of luxury is having a cup of coffee and reading 5 pages of a book uninterrupted. I miss having time for myself, having my freedom, how i envy my neighbours who can catch up on movies and coffee dates with friends on the spur of the moment. There are times when i have questioned whether i am made up for motherhood. Maybe i am too selfish to be a mom. Too much in need of my freedom. But then they grow up. My son turned two. Every night for the past 6 months he wanted me to read pinocchio story to him. There were times when i wanted to catch up on some TV show and my only thought was "please, not today". But you have to. Because they are too small to understand why not. And a few days back, he had his head on my shoulder and told me the story the way i told him. One of the proudest moments in my life. And unexpected. And like that just suddenly one day you will realize that all that freedom you miss, and you want (which i still do!) just does not seem so important anymore. Because they are not as satisfying as those pinocchio stories.
One parent will have it tougher than the other parent, and it will be difficult not to resent it
The dynamics between the husband and wife will change once the baby arrives. You will be parents first and a couple later (if possible!). Ideally, the child care duties should be divided equally between both the parents but that rarely happens. One person has to take a step back (assuming both are working) and give more focus on the baby. I have been lucky to work in an organization that gives me a very good work life balance and even luckier to have managers who are very supportive. But there are days when i wish i could focus on my home and not worry about getting office work done or work late in office without having to worry to pick up my kid on time. It does not matter how supportive the other parent is, or how accomodating but when you are having a tough day, it will be difficult not resenting the other parent for having an easier day. Oh and the worst thing to say to a new mother when she is home on a maternity leave is "atleast you get to sleep in the daytime :)" Dont dare it. It has grave consequences :) But the good thing is that it passes or atleast gets better. The first year is the toughest. And once you start getting your sleep back, the resentment and frustration starts going down.
Becoming a parent will take away the arrogance you had of judging other's parenting skills
When you go to malls or any public place and your kid throws a tantrum, there will be two kinds of people. One: The ones throwing you judging looks over "if you cant handle them, why did you have them". Two: The ones who have sympathetic looks which say "Been there, Seen that". We all start as the first category and stay there till we have kids of our own. The five minutes talk i have with other parents at my son's daycare gives me the confidence that i am not alone and this is normal. It is a phase and it passes. (Thats what they say!)
Lower your standards (about everything) if you want to maintain your sanity.
A clean house, doing things on time, being organized, maintaining social relations, being as patient and calm, being in control. Just lower your standards to the bare minimum and if you still find yourself going insane, you are not low enough yet. I am happy if i can clean my house once a month and recite the hanuman chalisa without being interrupted over questions of car brands or screaming over 'dont touch this and that' some 20 odd times. Yesterday my son saw me doing puja and came and sat on my lap and took the incense sticks in his hand and insisted he will take it to every single room while i say the prayers. My father used to be at work all day but i have clear memories of him saying prayers with us at bedtime. I am sure God will forgive me for all the interrupted prayers because i managed to teach him what my father taught me, and what we still hold dear to our hearts.
Listen to everyone respectfully, but do what you have to do.
The amount of advice that comes to a new mother from every direction can be unnerving and makes you feel underconfident that you dont know what you are doing. You probably dont know what you are doing but trust your instinct and remember we all have learnt on the job. I still hear things like "in our days, we used to do it this way". And how there are ways i could raise him better. There is only one thing that seems to work. I listen to everyone respectfully and tell them that if they think they can do a better job, please feel free to parent him on my behalf. I have not seen anyone step up till now. I am not a perfect mom. Actually i am far from it. And i know it. But i am doing the best i can, in the best interests of my family. It is easy to point of flaws and talk about perfection. But to implement it every single day and every single moment, is not possible. Have realistic expectations. Someone once told me that if you have a happy and respectful kid, it means you are doing a good job. Dont understimate yourself or question yourself. It is the biggest favor you can do to yourself.
You have a child on Day 1 in your arms but you become a mother much later.
There is a belief that you should have kids at the right time and late 20s is the best. Now i agree! Only because the more you have lived your life independently, the tougher it is to adjust to a crying, attention seeking, totally dependent infant in your home. Most of us have a career, live independently, throw on a pair of jeans and walk into a movie theatre to watch a movie, sleep when we want and order a pizza every weekend without worrying about finances. Sick days are when you can snuggle in with a bowl of soup and watch TV the whole day. And then when your body has been through the toughest phase of having the baby, you are thrust with this baby in your hand, whom you have no idea what to do with, and plus you have no time to focus on your recovery. Everyone around you goes ga-ga over the baby (they are really cute! but you are too tired to notice) and you are not allowed to think of yourself. "Oh God! You are a mom now. You need to be responsible". But you are not there yet. You are still to fall in love with your baby. To all those moms i will say, take a deep breathe and have faith in yourself. I read somewhere that babies are reselient enough to survive first time parents. And i could not agree more. You will know that you are doing the right thing, when you see that it is working.
You will never get your old life back, and after a point you will not want it back as much
I used to dream about a vacation in Bali a few years back. On the beach, reading a book cover to cover and ordering my favorite food. Now my idea of luxury is having a cup of coffee and reading 5 pages of a book uninterrupted. I miss having time for myself, having my freedom, how i envy my neighbours who can catch up on movies and coffee dates with friends on the spur of the moment. There are times when i have questioned whether i am made up for motherhood. Maybe i am too selfish to be a mom. Too much in need of my freedom. But then they grow up. My son turned two. Every night for the past 6 months he wanted me to read pinocchio story to him. There were times when i wanted to catch up on some TV show and my only thought was "please, not today". But you have to. Because they are too small to understand why not. And a few days back, he had his head on my shoulder and told me the story the way i told him. One of the proudest moments in my life. And unexpected. And like that just suddenly one day you will realize that all that freedom you miss, and you want (which i still do!) just does not seem so important anymore. Because they are not as satisfying as those pinocchio stories.
One parent will have it tougher than the other parent, and it will be difficult not to resent it
The dynamics between the husband and wife will change once the baby arrives. You will be parents first and a couple later (if possible!). Ideally, the child care duties should be divided equally between both the parents but that rarely happens. One person has to take a step back (assuming both are working) and give more focus on the baby. I have been lucky to work in an organization that gives me a very good work life balance and even luckier to have managers who are very supportive. But there are days when i wish i could focus on my home and not worry about getting office work done or work late in office without having to worry to pick up my kid on time. It does not matter how supportive the other parent is, or how accomodating but when you are having a tough day, it will be difficult not resenting the other parent for having an easier day. Oh and the worst thing to say to a new mother when she is home on a maternity leave is "atleast you get to sleep in the daytime :)" Dont dare it. It has grave consequences :) But the good thing is that it passes or atleast gets better. The first year is the toughest. And once you start getting your sleep back, the resentment and frustration starts going down.
Becoming a parent will take away the arrogance you had of judging other's parenting skills
When you go to malls or any public place and your kid throws a tantrum, there will be two kinds of people. One: The ones throwing you judging looks over "if you cant handle them, why did you have them". Two: The ones who have sympathetic looks which say "Been there, Seen that". We all start as the first category and stay there till we have kids of our own. The five minutes talk i have with other parents at my son's daycare gives me the confidence that i am not alone and this is normal. It is a phase and it passes. (Thats what they say!)
Lower your standards (about everything) if you want to maintain your sanity.
A clean house, doing things on time, being organized, maintaining social relations, being as patient and calm, being in control. Just lower your standards to the bare minimum and if you still find yourself going insane, you are not low enough yet. I am happy if i can clean my house once a month and recite the hanuman chalisa without being interrupted over questions of car brands or screaming over 'dont touch this and that' some 20 odd times. Yesterday my son saw me doing puja and came and sat on my lap and took the incense sticks in his hand and insisted he will take it to every single room while i say the prayers. My father used to be at work all day but i have clear memories of him saying prayers with us at bedtime. I am sure God will forgive me for all the interrupted prayers because i managed to teach him what my father taught me, and what we still hold dear to our hearts.
Listen to everyone respectfully, but do what you have to do.
The amount of advice that comes to a new mother from every direction can be unnerving and makes you feel underconfident that you dont know what you are doing. You probably dont know what you are doing but trust your instinct and remember we all have learnt on the job. I still hear things like "in our days, we used to do it this way". And how there are ways i could raise him better. There is only one thing that seems to work. I listen to everyone respectfully and tell them that if they think they can do a better job, please feel free to parent him on my behalf. I have not seen anyone step up till now. I am not a perfect mom. Actually i am far from it. And i know it. But i am doing the best i can, in the best interests of my family. It is easy to point of flaws and talk about perfection. But to implement it every single day and every single moment, is not possible. Have realistic expectations. Someone once told me that if you have a happy and respectful kid, it means you are doing a good job. Dont understimate yourself or question yourself. It is the biggest favor you can do to yourself.
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