Don't get me wrong. I am not here to impart marital advice. If i did, half of my friends on facebook would be laughing at me. I am the last person who should advise on a successful marriage. My take on a successful marriage is one where you argue, fight, disagree, frustrate, irritate and then make up by the end of the day with the knowledge that yo...u will still be doing the same things the next day :)
I just see so many beautiful, talented, independent girls around me who have lived life on their own terms and not been 'groomed for marriage' the moment they start walking and talking. When i say independent, i don't mean girls who earn their own money. I am talking about girls who have their own set of thinking and don't need approval of one or more people to function on a daily basis. And if you are anything like me, who married late (read 27 years and almost written off by relatives around me) and spent most of those years curled up in a blanket, reading books, there are some hilarious situations you are going to find yourself in.
Don't try and play the bride on your wedding. Be yourself.
I wish someone had told me this when i got married. If you are a loner and prefer your own space, you will spend most of your time wondering on your wedding what you are supposed to do. Those number of relatives coming upto you on stage and asking "Pehchana mujhe (recognized me?)" and that awkward moment when you are trying to place them and simultaneously framing a reply in your head. And just then the person will mention that you have never really met but talked on the phone once in 2003! But you still have to keep that awkward smile pasted. You are the bride!
Forget it. Be yourself. Exchange smiles with your would-be, some secret glances. Some special smiles. Not because attending to so many guests and playing the perfect bride is wrong. But because you will never be able to perfect it. It is just not you. Be polite. Be respectful. Be yourself.
It does not get over at the wedding.
If you think that it is just one day of your life, think again. I entered my inlaws home determined to play the perfect newly wed bride. As per my mom's strict instructions, i started touching feet of everyone elder to me. The first lady gave me a really weird look. I later came to know that she was the maid of the house! In my defense, she was tall and had the body of Deepika Padukone and was dressed impeccably. Luckily, no one noticed. Unuckily, i decided to tell my husband about the goofup. Predictably (in hindsight), the whole family and extended relatives knew about it the next morning.
And there will be many such situations where you will be in midst of people you dont know. My advice is, before the wedding, find a confidant. Someone who can guide you through. Have code languages or expressions so that you know what to do. You will still mess up. Just not to the degree i did.
Don't get caught up in the age game
The best insights i have got post marriage are in the few and far conversations i have had with my husband's mami. She is from the US and once told me that you can take the right decision to marry the right guy only if being unmarried or remaining single is also an option. Now that i look back, i was not 'ready' to get married. I am glad i did. But i wish i had waited a couple of more years and spent some time remaining single. Done some more things on my own. Travelled alone. Learnt how to change the light bulb myself :)
That being said, don't wait indefinitely to be 'ready'. Sometimes you are ready only after you take the plunge. I sometimes wonder if i am still ready :) Just don't get married because the society has defined a timeline which you need to adhere to. Have your own timeline and milestones.
Don't kill yourself to impress
Someone once asked me a few months after we were married, "So do your inlaws like you?". It got me thinking that i never bothered to think on those lines. And to this day i don't know. I sure hope they like me. I have tried my best to be respectful towards them. But i have not put up an act ever. Don't do that. Because you will never be able to do it all your life. And then you will always try to live up to the impression you first gave. And it is going to drive you crazy.
I married my husband and became a part of his family. I choose everyday to respect his family because that's my way of giving respect to him. If i disagree, i also choose to do that respectfully. In years to come, i hope we all become so close that we don't have to 'try' to understand each other anymore and it just comes naturally. Don't rush it. Give it time. If you try and rush it, you will become resentful and frustrated very soon.
Splurge on the honeymoon rather than the wedding, if funds are limited
You may have known each other for a few days, a few years or all your life- but marriage and living as a husband and wife is different. If you are not someone who enjoys attention, keep it a low key wedding and splurge on your honeymoon. Go to an exotic location for 15-20 days. Because when you are back and the honeymoon period ends, then the disagreements and the daily frustrations start. Even you have the perfect marriage, its difficult not to get irritated when the towel is on the floor every single day (In my case, i am the guilty one here :) )
Even if you spend lakhs on the wedding, there are people who are going to crib, complain and find faults. And the well wishers will always bless even if you forget to invite them. The lakhs are probably worth it if you enjoy being in the limelight. If you don't, go to Bali and live in Four Seasons for 15 days!
Don't lose your indviduality.
Do different things. Have different interests. Carve some time out for yourself. And dont be apologetic about the person you are.
Don't try and play the bride on your wedding. Be yourself.
I wish someone had told me this when i got married. If you are a loner and prefer your own space, you will spend most of your time wondering on your wedding what you are supposed to do. Those number of relatives coming upto you on stage and asking "Pehchana mujhe (recognized me?)" and that awkward moment when you are trying to place them and simultaneously framing a reply in your head. And just then the person will mention that you have never really met but talked on the phone once in 2003! But you still have to keep that awkward smile pasted. You are the bride!
Forget it. Be yourself. Exchange smiles with your would-be, some secret glances. Some special smiles. Not because attending to so many guests and playing the perfect bride is wrong. But because you will never be able to perfect it. It is just not you. Be polite. Be respectful. Be yourself.
It does not get over at the wedding.
If you think that it is just one day of your life, think again. I entered my inlaws home determined to play the perfect newly wed bride. As per my mom's strict instructions, i started touching feet of everyone elder to me. The first lady gave me a really weird look. I later came to know that she was the maid of the house! In my defense, she was tall and had the body of Deepika Padukone and was dressed impeccably. Luckily, no one noticed. Unuckily, i decided to tell my husband about the goofup. Predictably (in hindsight), the whole family and extended relatives knew about it the next morning.
And there will be many such situations where you will be in midst of people you dont know. My advice is, before the wedding, find a confidant. Someone who can guide you through. Have code languages or expressions so that you know what to do. You will still mess up. Just not to the degree i did.
Don't get caught up in the age game
The best insights i have got post marriage are in the few and far conversations i have had with my husband's mami. She is from the US and once told me that you can take the right decision to marry the right guy only if being unmarried or remaining single is also an option. Now that i look back, i was not 'ready' to get married. I am glad i did. But i wish i had waited a couple of more years and spent some time remaining single. Done some more things on my own. Travelled alone. Learnt how to change the light bulb myself :)
That being said, don't wait indefinitely to be 'ready'. Sometimes you are ready only after you take the plunge. I sometimes wonder if i am still ready :) Just don't get married because the society has defined a timeline which you need to adhere to. Have your own timeline and milestones.
Don't kill yourself to impress
Someone once asked me a few months after we were married, "So do your inlaws like you?". It got me thinking that i never bothered to think on those lines. And to this day i don't know. I sure hope they like me. I have tried my best to be respectful towards them. But i have not put up an act ever. Don't do that. Because you will never be able to do it all your life. And then you will always try to live up to the impression you first gave. And it is going to drive you crazy.
I married my husband and became a part of his family. I choose everyday to respect his family because that's my way of giving respect to him. If i disagree, i also choose to do that respectfully. In years to come, i hope we all become so close that we don't have to 'try' to understand each other anymore and it just comes naturally. Don't rush it. Give it time. If you try and rush it, you will become resentful and frustrated very soon.
Splurge on the honeymoon rather than the wedding, if funds are limited
You may have known each other for a few days, a few years or all your life- but marriage and living as a husband and wife is different. If you are not someone who enjoys attention, keep it a low key wedding and splurge on your honeymoon. Go to an exotic location for 15-20 days. Because when you are back and the honeymoon period ends, then the disagreements and the daily frustrations start. Even you have the perfect marriage, its difficult not to get irritated when the towel is on the floor every single day (In my case, i am the guilty one here :) )
Even if you spend lakhs on the wedding, there are people who are going to crib, complain and find faults. And the well wishers will always bless even if you forget to invite them. The lakhs are probably worth it if you enjoy being in the limelight. If you don't, go to Bali and live in Four Seasons for 15 days!
Don't lose your indviduality.
Do different things. Have different interests. Carve some time out for yourself. And dont be apologetic about the person you are.
