When socially awkward, independent girls get married.....

Don't get me wrong. I am not here to impart marital advice. If i did, half of my friends on facebook would be laughing at me. I am the last person who should advise on a successful marriage. My take on a successful marriage is one where you argue, fight, disagree, frustrate, irritate and then make up by the end of the day with the knowledge that yo...u will still be doing the same things the next day :)

I just see so many beautiful, talented, independent girls around me who have lived life on their own terms and not been 'groomed for marriage' the moment they start walking and talking. When i say independent, i don't mean girls who earn their own money. I am talking about girls who have their own set of thinking and don't need approval of one or more people to function on a daily basis. And if you are anything like me, who married late (read 27 years and almost written off by relatives around me) and spent most of those years curled up in a blanket, reading books, there are some hilarious situations you are going to find yourself in.

Don't try and play the bride on your wedding. Be yourself.
I wish someone had told me this when i got married. If you are a loner and prefer your own space, you will spend most of your time wondering on your wedding what you are supposed to do. Those number of relatives coming upto you on stage and asking "Pehchana mujhe (recognized me?)" and that awkward moment when you are trying to place them and simultaneously framing a reply in your head. And just then the person will mention that you have never really met but talked on the phone once in 2003! But you still have to keep that awkward smile pasted. You are the bride!
Forget it. Be yourself. Exchange smiles with your would-be, some secret glances. Some special smiles. Not because attending to so many guests and playing the perfect bride is wrong. But because you will never be able to perfect it. It is just not you. Be polite. Be respectful. Be yourself.

It does not get over at the wedding.
If you think that it is just one day of your life, think again. I entered my inlaws home determined to play the perfect newly wed bride. As per my mom's strict instructions, i started touching feet of everyone elder to me. The first lady gave me a really weird look. I later came to know that she was the maid of the house! In my defense, she was tall and had the body of Deepika Padukone and was dressed impeccably. Luckily, no one noticed. Unuckily, i decided to tell my husband about the goofup. Predictably (in hindsight), the whole family and extended relatives knew about it the next morning.
And there will be many such situations where you will be in midst of people you dont know. My advice is, before the wedding, find a confidant. Someone who can guide you through. Have code languages or expressions so that you know what to do. You will still mess up. Just not to the degree i did.

Don't get caught up in the age game
The best insights i have got post marriage are in the few and far conversations i have had with my husband's mami. She is from the US and once told me that you can take the right decision to marry the right guy only if being unmarried or remaining single is also an option. Now that i look back, i was not 'ready' to get married. I am glad i did. But i wish i had waited a couple of more years and spent some time remaining single. Done some more things on my own. Travelled alone. Learnt how to change the light bulb myself :)
That being said, don't wait indefinitely to be 'ready'. Sometimes you are ready only after you take the plunge. I sometimes wonder if i am still ready :) Just don't get married because the society has defined a timeline which you need to adhere to. Have your own timeline and milestones.

Don't kill yourself to impress
Someone once asked me a few months after we were married, "So do your inlaws like you?". It got me thinking that i never bothered to think on those lines. And to this day i don't know. I sure hope they like me. I have tried my best to be respectful towards them. But i have not put up an act ever. Don't do that. Because you will never be able to do it all your life. And then you will always try to live up to the impression you first gave. And it is going to drive you crazy.
I married my husband and became a part of his family. I choose everyday to respect his family because that's my way of giving respect to him. If i disagree, i also choose to do that respectfully. In years to come, i hope we all become so close that we don't have to 'try' to understand each other anymore and it just comes naturally. Don't rush it. Give it time. If you try and rush it, you will become resentful and frustrated very soon.

Splurge on the honeymoon rather than the wedding, if funds are limited
You may have known each other for a few days, a few years or all your life- but marriage and living as a husband and wife is different. If you are not someone who enjoys attention, keep it a low key wedding and splurge on your honeymoon. Go to an exotic location for 15-20 days. Because when you are back and the honeymoon period ends, then the disagreements and the daily frustrations start. Even you have the perfect marriage, its difficult not to get irritated when the towel is on the floor every single day (In my case, i am the guilty one here :) )
Even if you spend lakhs on the wedding, there are people who are going to crib, complain and find faults. And the well wishers will always bless even if you forget to invite them. The lakhs are probably worth it if you enjoy being in the limelight. If you don't, go to Bali and live in Four Seasons for 15 days!

Don't lose your indviduality.
Do different things. Have different interests. Carve some time out for yourself. And dont be apologetic about the person you are.

How passing CA exams taught me much more than accounting standards

14th January is celebrated all over India as a Sankranti festival. You can see kites flying from mid December itself, those young enthusiastic kids who cant wait till January to enjoy kite flying. But there is a small section of people who are filled with dread once they sight that first kite in the sky. And that dreaded look only means one thing- ...CA results (usually published on 14th Jan) are now really really close. I passed my exams in 2003. And now that i look back, i realize, that those exams have taught me much more than accounting standards and standard deductions.

Eliminating the lows in life does not automatically result in a high.
Most of us (leave aside the CA rankers who i have never understood how they do it!) have struggled through these exams. There have been subjects that have terrified us and filled us with dread while some have been easier than others. Every 6 months there was this sword of results hanging on our head and as the countdown to that began, the calculating and recalculating of marks in the head begins. You come out of the exams feeling that you will surely pass this time and by the time the result time arrives, you start questioning every belief you had pertaining to it. Visiting temples becomes more frequent and you feel that passing these exams will remove each and every obstacle in your life. Failing and revisiting those books again is the worst thing that can happen to you, you feel. Amongst all these feelings, i passed my exams in 2003. And i waited and waited for the sense of high, euphoria etc that i felt it would bring. And it came with the realization that just eliminating the lows of failure in life does not mean a heightened sense of success. It is much deeper and profound than that. And requires much more effort than just clearing exams

A degree means a lot, and you may have worked crazily hard for it, but it still does not define you
As far as i know, i always wanted to be a CA. Because my father was one. And i thought he had the coolest job in the world. He just had to sign papers all day. No 'real work' :) He was the CFO of a petroleum corporation. I have seen people around him always in awe of him and respecting his position and education and the way he rose in his career. He passed away at the age of 52. And there were so many people who came to visit us. And NO ONE mentioned his degree, career growth and position. All they talked about was how helpful he was, giving and always cracking some witty and funny jokes. How he tried to set up two of his Parsi friends just to realize that they were actually brother and sister. And how he sponsored two disabled kids which we knew nothing about. But no one mentioned his position.

You cant pass out with flying colours in every field in life. Give yourself credit for scraping through sometimes.
There are things you are good at, then there are things you are not so good at and then there are things you are really bad at. I had a breeze studying all the theoritical subjects in these exams but income tax exam used to terrify me. I could spend months on that and still come out feeling underconfident. There will be things in life and situations which will seem tougher than it will seem to others. Give yourself credit for scraping through. We are all wired differently. You wont see me sweat a bit if i need to walk 20 kms at a stretch but put me in a roomful of 20 people and have me interact with them, and i will need all my survival instincts to kick in.

Success is relative- so celebrate your version of it.
There was this really tough income tax paper that was set one year and we all came out of the examination hall feeling overwhelmed and sure that we wont need to wait for the results to start studying again. And then we crossed this CA exams topper who was looking equally dejected. Gave us a ray of hope and a feeling of pleasure, that if the topper looks so sad then who can blame us! We asked him how his paper was and he said "It was really bad. I dont think i will be a topper this time". And we walked ahead even more depressed than before. That was the attempt i passed out in and that guy i had met topped. I celebrated and partied harder than he did :)

You will manage to get through- twisting, turning and scraping through
Any obstacle that you will encounter in life, it may seem to be the toughest one you have ever faced, may have left you feeling overwhelmed, tired, dejected, frustrated and with a low self esteem- still you will get through it. It may be a different way than you thought but still it will be over one day. I look at all the recessions that have struck, the job-cuts, the uncertainity and through all that i have known only one thing- that this too shall pass. It may be really bad or even worse than i may have imagined, but it will pass. And teach me something that i may not have learnt or even wanted to learn otherwise. Who really wants to learn those hard lessons in life!

There are some shared jokes that only CAs will realize have an element of truth to them
I have a friend (also a CA) who called me up to share the good news that his marriage has been fixed. The usual questions- who is she? what does she do? I asked him if she was a CA too and he said "I would never marry a CA. She would come to know how little i know!" We laughed and we understood. There is a certain bond and an understanding look that passes between these ex-CA students. And that stays forever.

...........and that shade of pink on the CA results website will never ever be your favorite colour again.
Good luck to all the students i know who are struggling and hats off to all those who passed. And to the toppers i know......i still dont know how you did it :)

What no one tells you about motherhood when you are pregnant!

When i was pregnant with my first more than 2 years back, i received all kinds of advice on what to eat, drink, walk, talk, read, watch, think, say. Because apparently everything you do once you are pregnant, affects the baby. And everyone prepared me for the big day- the delivery! It felt like the most life changing event that was going to happen ...and even after you ask a million questions, you still are unprepared, anxious and nervous.

Now i see people around me pregnant with their first and feeling the same things and there is only one thing that i want to tell them. It is going to be the most life changing event for you. But not the delivery- it is when motherhood will strike. I tell friends all the time that delivering a baby is a finite process. It gets over. Parenting never does. You will (mostly and hopefully!) be a parent till you die. And as soon as you feel you have got a hang of it, the kids roll a new ball. I wish someone had told me this before i embarked on this journey.

You have a child on Day 1 in your arms but you become a mother much later.
There is a belief that you should have kids at the right time and late 20s is the best. Now i agree! Only because the more you have lived your life independently, the tougher it is to adjust to a crying, attention seeking, totally dependent infant in your home. Most of us have a career, live independently, throw on a pair of jeans and walk into a movie theatre to watch a movie, sleep when we want and order a pizza every weekend without worrying about finances. Sick days are when you can snuggle in with a bowl of soup and watch TV the whole day. And then when your body has been through the toughest phase of having the baby, you are thrust with this baby in your hand, whom you have no idea what to do with, and plus you have no time to focus on your recovery. Everyone around you goes ga-ga over the baby (they are really cute! but you are too tired to notice) and you are not allowed to think of yourself. "Oh God! You are a mom now. You need to be responsible". But you are not there yet. You are still to fall in love with your baby. To all those moms i will say, take a deep breathe and have faith in yourself. I read somewhere that babies are reselient enough to survive first time parents. And i could not agree more. You will know that you are doing the right thing, when you see that it is working.

You will never get your old life back, and after a point you will not want it back as much
I used to dream about a vacation in Bali a few years back. On the beach, reading a book cover to cover and ordering my favorite food. Now my idea of luxury is having a cup of coffee and reading 5 pages of a book uninterrupted. I miss having time for myself, having my freedom, how i envy my neighbours who can catch up on movies and coffee dates with friends on the spur of the moment. There are times when i have questioned whether i am made up for motherhood. Maybe i am too selfish to be a mom. Too much in need of my freedom. But then they grow up. My son turned two. Every night for the past 6 months he wanted me to read pinocchio story to him. There were times when i wanted to catch up on some TV show and my only thought was "please, not today". But you have to. Because they are too small to understand why not. And a few days back, he had his head on my shoulder and told me the story the way i told him. One of the proudest moments in my life. And unexpected. And like that just suddenly one day you will realize that all that freedom you miss, and you want (which i still do!) just does not seem so important anymore. Because they are not as satisfying as those pinocchio stories.

One parent will have it tougher than the other parent, and it will be difficult not to resent it
The dynamics between the husband and wife will change once the baby arrives. You will be parents first and a couple later (if possible!). Ideally, the child care duties should be divided equally between both the parents but that rarely happens. One person has to take a step back (assuming both are working) and give more focus on the baby. I have been lucky to work in an organization that gives me a very good work life balance and even luckier to have managers who are very supportive. But there are days when i wish i could focus on my home and not worry about getting office work done or work late in office without having to worry to pick up my kid on time. It does not matter how supportive the other parent is, or how accomodating but when you are having a tough day, it will be difficult not resenting the other parent for having an easier day. Oh and the worst thing to say to a new mother when she is home on a maternity leave is "atleast you get to sleep in the daytime :)" Dont dare it. It has grave consequences :) But the good thing is that it passes or atleast gets better. The first year is the toughest. And once you start getting your sleep back, the resentment and frustration starts going down.

Becoming a parent will take away the arrogance you had of judging other's parenting skills
When you go to malls or any public place and your kid throws a tantrum, there will be two kinds of people. One: The ones throwing you judging looks over "if you cant handle them, why did you have them". Two: The ones who have sympathetic looks which say "Been there, Seen that". We all start as the first category and stay there till we have kids of our own. The five minutes talk i have with other parents at my son's daycare gives me the confidence that i am not alone and this is normal. It is a phase and it passes. (Thats what they say!)

Lower your standards (about everything) if you want to maintain your sanity.
A clean house, doing things on time, being organized, maintaining social relations, being as patient and calm, being in control. Just lower your standards to the bare minimum and if you still find yourself going insane, you are not low enough yet. I am happy if i can clean my house once a month and recite the hanuman chalisa without being interrupted over questions of car brands or screaming over 'dont touch this and that' some 20 odd times. Yesterday my son saw me doing puja and came and sat on my lap and took the incense sticks in his hand and insisted he will take it to every single room while i say the prayers. My father used to be at work all day but i have clear memories of him saying prayers with us at bedtime. I am sure God will forgive me for all the interrupted prayers because i managed to teach him what my father taught me, and what we still hold dear to our hearts.

Listen to everyone respectfully, but do what you have to do.
The amount of advice that comes to a new mother from every direction can be unnerving and makes you feel underconfident that you dont know what you are doing. You probably dont know what you are doing but trust your instinct and remember we all have learnt on the job. I still hear things like "in our days, we used to do it this way". And how there are ways i could raise him better. There is only one thing that seems to work. I listen to everyone respectfully and tell them that if they think they can do a better job, please feel free to parent him on my behalf. I have not seen anyone step up till now. I am not a perfect mom. Actually i am far from it. And i know it. But i am doing the best i can, in the best interests of my family. It is easy to point of flaws and talk about perfection. But to implement it every single day and every single moment, is not possible. Have realistic expectations. Someone once told me that if you have a happy and respectful kid, it means you are doing a good job. Dont understimate yourself or question yourself. It is the biggest favor you can do to yourself.

Peejoo- the only impulsive decision i am proud of!

I  have grown up with so many dogs around me that i have totally lost count. But Peejoo is the first dog i am completely and solely responsible for. At my mom's place where i stayed with dogs, i mostly used to be there for the fun part. Playing and teasing. I used to be totally absent in the hard parts like early morning walks or vet trips. This is... the first time i have to do all of it. Its not easy but i have never wondered if it was a mistake to bring her.

The day i saw her first at CUPA, i just had to get her. My nanaji once told me that souls which are connected in one birth, always remain connected in rest all births. I am sure we had to cross paths because we have before. She has enriched my life more in a week than i could ever imagine.
The first day i got her, she was covered in ticks and had kennel cough. Trying new tricks everyday to get her swallow the medicines is my biggest task in the entire day. She did not drink water the first day she came and just sat in a corner. She did not behave like a 1 year dog. My 13 year old dog at my mom's place looked more active in front of her. But slowly she settled in. She waits for me everyday when i come home for lunch and when i come back in the evening. This is the first week where i have left her alone and with a little help from colleagues, i have been able to come back on time. I know there are going to days when i will be late and she will probably be scared, but i will make up for those few sad days in her life.

She has taught me to love unconditionally. I know she probably hates the fact that i leave her everday and must feel abandoned. But she greets me with the same enthusiasm every single day. Even if i leave the house for 15 min or 8 hours, she is standing at the door wagging her tail when she hears the key in the lock. She jumps around, tries to catch her tail and runs in circles till she is tired. Then she flops down and sleeps for 4 hours straight.

Before i had her, i used to come home and watch tv, surf internet and catch up on some pending calls. There was an irritation at some level that i constantly felt. Since she has come, i listen to some great songs on the radio when i take her for a walk. Gives a chance to reflect on life which we so rarely do these days. She goes around sniffing plants and growling at other dogs who must be twice her size, if not more. She taught me to be happy. We get so busy filling the hours in a day with work, tv, internet, mobile phones, that the pleasure of a walk with random thoughts is long forgotten. Ever stumbled upon ur favorite song playing on the radio? The pleasure that gives will not equal to all your favorite songs on your i-pod.

Sure, there is a lot more that i could wish in life. But her being around reminds me that we need so less to be a happy person. Her kneecap is dislocated, which she will probably have to live with all her life. But when you see her growling with confidence at other dogs, you realise that she does not think of herself to be any less than those perfect dogs out there. Then why are we so hard on ourselves for not fitting into that mould we would like to be in. We spend our lives comparing ourselves to others. To fit in. To get a little smarter, to earn a little more, to lose a little weight....But maybe happiness is just like looking out of the window of a moving car? Enjoying that breeze on your face? Greeting your loved ones with extreme happiness even if you have seen them just 15 min before? Sleeping like a baby knowing that tomorrow is a new day?

I right now see her sleeping across me (and snoring :) ) and i wonder how many years we will share together. Whatever life brings tomorrow, i am glad i made the impulsive decision of getting her. We both will have our good days and bad days but we both will have each other.

Lessons i learnt from dogs who came and went

Going as back as i remember, I hated animals of every kind. They just co-existed in this planet for me. Something that i had to work my way around. I did not hate them for any specific reason. I guess at some level, i was just terrified of them. And maybe they guessed that and had their fun terrifying me more.

Namuna
The first dog to change me was a stray puppy who used to come to our house for food and water. Very intelligent, and the only one of my dogs who had 20 nails. (It is said that the dog who has all 20 nails is rare and a really intelligent one). We never named the dog but it was difficult to ignore a dog who adored you so much. We never named him- never crossed our mind. I had some relatives visit our place who said that the dog is a real "namuna" and hence we eventually just started calling it Namuna. It was around the same time that we realised that Namuna was a "she"- and that too when we realised that she is going to be a mother. She was a lovable dog who used to come and drop me to the bus stop every day and used to wonder where i went, standing there as she saw the bus vanish before her eyes. Still she invariably came every day and stood with me.

She taught me how to love animals- one of the greatest gift i have received in life. And she taught me all about unconditional love and admiration- something i have come to believe that human beings are incapable of.

She had 5 pups- all of them died. Then she became a mother again and 1 pup survived. Namuna was taken away by dog catchers eventually and it is one heartache i could never recover from.


Bhukamp

Namuna's pup- he was one of a kind. He has one brown patch on his left eye and the other one was white like most of his body. He used to eat anything and everything- including peels of vegetables, raw potatoes, carrots and anything i can think of. Soon after he was born, the 26th January earthquake, that shook the entire country, happened. We named him Bhukamp which means an earthquake. Because he was born around that time and also because he ate as if he has come from a disaster stricken area where he got nothing to eat. By this time, i was already in love with dogs. It was nice to see him sitting my the gate when i came home and the joy with which he wagged his tail was enchanting. He was one of the cutest dogs ever who thought he was the king of that place. He used to take rotis and bury them in sand when he was not hungry and used to forget all about it and then come back for food when he got hungry. Snatching rotis from a cow's mouth was his favorite game. He too was eventually taken by dog catchers but he was at fault because he had started biting passer bys and had become dangerous.

Taught me the lesson that as much as you love someone- there is only so much you can do to save him from his fate. You have to accept what is in store- although you may want to do anything and everything to change that.


Mowgli
 He was my uncle's dog and the first "pet dog" in our family. I remember going along to get him. He was one of the many pups and we just did nt know whom to pick. They were all on top of each other and then the bottom one shifted and all fell- and the bottom pup climbed on the top. We picked him and named him Mowgli. He was just like his name- naughty and lovable. It was a pleasure visiting their home knowing he will be there and to take him for long walks and seeing him play in the garden. He was loved by all but he suffered from some diesease which took him away sooner than we would have thought. He was in a lot of pain and by the end of it we knew it was the best thing that could happen to him. He taught me the pleasure of dog walks. I felt so proud taking him for a walk.


He also taught me an important lesson that as much as you love, sometimes you must not think selfishly and accept the fact that death may be for the best. We always want our loved ones to live forever but sometimes it is too painful for them. I have learnt not to ask God for life or death- but rather what is the best for everyone concerned.


Moju
My pet dog. When Namuna became really ill, my parents got him for me. At first i did nt want him because i thought they wanted me to not love Namuna anymore and rather replace her in my life. Namuna recovered and both became best friends for life. Namuna protected Moju from other stray dogs and got into fights with them to save him. As for me, its difficult not to love a puppy who is as big as your palm and looks at you like you are his whole world. Moju was my first real pet- someone who slept with us in our bed and got into our blankets when he was cold. In summers, he strategically places himself where the air conditioner cools the most. We all are supposed to accomodate accordingly. He is the craziest but most lovable dog i have met. He was never too naughty when he was a pup too. His only concern is his food and i am sure he thinks that are just born so that his food schedule is as per time. I sometimes feel he just about tolerates us in "his" house. Our house is now known as "Moju's house" and car is known as "Moju's car". We named him Mowgli Junior and shortened it to Moju. It also means a wave in Gujarati or a sock (as in a pair of socks). It would take an entire note to write about him. So i will keep it short. He has changed my life, been through my best and worst times. I remember studying for my CA exams at night and in winters i used to cuddle him, waking him up at night. He loved me through all of it.

The thing i learnt from him was that having a dog completes the family in a way you cannot imagine. The house suddenly looks happier and brighter. And every single day, as hard and tough it was, you look forward to going home and there is someone wagging his tail, always happy to see you. Always ready to love and be loved.
 
Pinni/Nandi
The latest addition to the family- a stray pup who just walked in and decided to make it her home. She was adopted by many and always came back due to one reason or other- till we realized that maybe she was meant to be here. Moju has adopted reasonably well- as long as she does not come near his food. I still have to meet her and am looking forward to go home in December and be with her. For anyone who has had dogs, they will know that the best time is when they are puppies and naughty and silly.

There are something that is destined to be. Some souls that are meant to walk together- humans or animals. Pinni was meant to be with us and she just found us. Everything falls into place. The puzzle does fit. So dont worry much about perfect conditions and let things just happen.
  
Jenny
 She is not ours but is more family to us than we can imagine. She is one of the naughtiest. A stray pup who was adopted from the road and i am so glad that she was. She has changed a few families and now has finally found her home with Shashank and Tumpi. She is very important to us and she taught Nimish how to love animals. She did to him what Namuna did to me. She has stayed with us a few times and it has been crazy fun. She wont let us be lazy and sleep and she is always upto something. The moment she sees us she licks us from head to toe. She is adorable and she is one major factor that bonds both the families together.

Adopting a dog is one of the greatest pleasure of all. Irrespective of breed, the way they look at you- your heart will melt


Sheru
He is a stray dog who lives on the way between my home and office. He walks me to my office everyday and his tail starts wagging with increasing intensity as he sees me walking towards him. I think he believes that i am incapable of finding my way to office without him. Even in his deepest of sleep, he wakes up with a long sigh and fulfills his duty of walking me to office. He is the best part of going to work.

The best things in life are actually free

Karma and religion

The thoughts and beliefs that you are exposed to since your childhood is what frames you into the person you are.....

I grew up in a home which was not overtly religious but did believe in the existence of God and "good and bad". When something good happened in life, we were taught to thank God for it and when you cant deal with troubles in your li...fe, pray for assistance to God. We were taught to say a small prayer every night which we religiously followed every night. I vividly remember my father, brother and me sitting in a circle on the bed and saying our prayers. More than 20 years now and i still say those prayers everyday.

As we grew up, we got so busy with our friends and other activities, that prayer was something that did not remain so pure. It was bombarded with lots of distracting thoughts and ideas - like who in the class had a better lunch box than us or how to impress the teacher enough that she makes you a monitor of the class. Soon prayer became a splendid source to ask God for what you thought was the greatest injustice in your life.

But the essence of good and bad that was taught to us in childhood still remained. Sometimes even when I take a selfish decision, there is this gnawing feeling in the mind that takes the pleasure of the act away. That is what religion is to me.

It did not teach me to always do the right, but taught me to always make an attempt to walk on the right path. I did not learn to always think of others before myself but learnt that sometimes when i selfishly think of myself over what i should have done, it does not give me a good feeling to live with. I learnt that i don't do good to others because it is the right thing to do, but do so because it makes me feel good from within.

From the existence of "God", i slowly made a transition towards strongly believing in karma. Not because the whole world seems to be talking about it. But because it suddenly started making more sense. I look around and see everyone, including myself, pay for their deeds and also gain benefits over their good deeds. The people around me who are actually happy are the ones who have actually strived to follow an unselfish life. Maybe they are not rich in the conventional sense but still seem much more fulfilled than the majority of us.

It is believed that the universe is like a big ball of energy. And ultimately everything balances out. The energy is constant. If you are a negative person, it comes back to you and if you are a positive person, you are only affected by the positivity around you. None of us are privileged enough to have an uneventful life- one with all happiness and no sorrow. But still when you look around some people always look happy (and it makes you feel so jealous!) while there are some people who are perpetually distressed. It only substantiates my belief that if you do good, you see good around you and feel good.

I have spent days and years hating people who have hurt me and i still probably do give into the temptation of wishing ill to a few. But i do realize today that the only person that gets really hurt is me. At some level, you are ashamed of the person you have become and its difficult to sleep every night like a baby- without a care of the world. It is extremely difficult for me to think beyond short-term happiness especially when I see a majority people around me doing it. It is pretty difficult to do the right thing without giving it a second thought, when so many people around me don't do what should be done (and don't have that gnawing feeling too). Sometimes I am left with the thought that am I reading too much into all this? ......

........But somewhere this is the only way the puzzle fits. I believe that whatever you do, you reap the benefits or pay for your deeds in this birth itself. And if it does not get balanced out, that's what gets carried forward in your next birth. When we actually say that X is born with good luck or Y has a really bad luck, its just the karmas balancing out.

I still say my prayers every night and do a little puja every morning- although i am not too sure about the existence of God as a being. I rather see him as a source of positive energy. And starting the day with a pooja or ending the day with a prayer makes me feel calm and positive. Makes me feel closer to positivity in this world- which i call "God"